I sat down to write a few minutes ago because I had planned time to write today, not because I felt very inspired. I had an idea a couple of days ago I thought I might run with this morning, but…meh. I mean, I don’t think it’s a meh idea – I want to develop it, just not today. So, then: what do I want to write about today? The answer to that question for the last many months has been the same, but I’m pretty good at avoiding things.
The day I published the first regular post on this Substack, I was having lunch with my mom and she asked what had me motivated to start writing again. The short answer is: I need to write. I need to write because I feel happier when I have a writing practice. I like the way I move through the world and think about my life when I have a writing practice. I like feeling excited when I’m driving or showering or pulling weeds or chopping onions and a phrase or idea gets delivered to me like a little surprise. I like keeping the part of my brain that knows how to follow Mary Oliver’s instructions – “Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it” – active and engaged. I feel more like myself when I have a writing practice.
I also feel happier when I have a yoga practice, but I’m not compelled to film myself on my mat and share that with you, dear reader. I feel better when I get enough sleep and drink a lot of water, too, but I don’t think there’s any reason to keep you updated on the details of my rest and hydration.
So, there’s a difference between my motivation to write and my motivation to share my writing. Jeff Chu (who’s a great follow on Substack, too – he writes Notes of a Make-Believe Farmer) explains:
“If you’re writing for yourself, then a journal is a great place to do it! But if you’re writing to publish—and I’m using the word “publish” very liberally here, meaning anything from a social-media post to a newsletter to a song to a book—then you have to consider the audience. Let me just speak for myself here: If I am going to be so bold as to publish—by which I mean to make the claim that my words should matter to someone else out there, enough to interject my voice into their day—my purpose cannot and should not be simply to satisfy myself. There has to be a value proposition. There has to be some attempt to offer the reader something new or helpful or illuminating or educational or entertaining. There has to be a ‘why?’ that is compelling enough to keep you writing.”
I’m sharing my writing because I believe deeply in the ability words have to help us feel less alone and more connected, less discouraged and more hopeful. I believe deeply in the ability words have to challenge us, to embolden us, to stretch our thinking one sentence at a time. I believe these things because I have experienced them since I first started reading as a little girl, climbing with my book and my blanket up into the cherry tree in my front yard. I share my words – my experiences, questions, heartaches, frustrations, re-evaluations put into language – as an offering to you with the hope that you’ll feel less alone, more connected; less discouraged, more hopeful; challenged; emboldened; stretched.
If you remember the standard format for writing essays in high school, you know the thesis statement – the sentence that explains what you’ll be writing about in the essay – is the last sentence of the introductory paragraph. In the first paragraph here I asked myself, “what do I want to write today?” The response, my thesis statement, was, “The answer to that question for the last many months has been the same, but I’m pretty good at avoiding things.” Maybe now I should write something to develop the thesis I’ve avoided.
I want to write about the ways my faith has grown and changed and shifted in the past many years. There are a whole pile of reasons I can and do shy away from this, but I have a couple of reasons that urge me forward.
One is that interior journeys are too tough to take alone. Re-examining core beliefs, including religious ones, can be done in isolation, and that’s tempting, especially for someone like me who doesn’t love conflict. You can think your thoughts, dig into literature, rage your frustrations, change your mind, change it back, and then back again all on your own. But the alternative – walking in solidarity with others traveling the same path who aren’t interested in convincing you of anything, and engaging with them face-to-face, voice-to-voice, post-to-reply, or page-to-weary heart – is so much more sustainable and hopeful.
The past seven or eight years have been challenging and exciting and lonely and fruitful. The people whose work I have been lucky enough to stumble upon and actively engage with, who are sharing thoughts about faith deconstruction and reconstruction (whether in the context of the Catholic church, like me, or elsewhere), have been an absolute buoy for me.
That’s some of what I’m hoping to offer here from time to time in my little corner of Substack – not answers or fixes or certainties, but a place where you can be reminded that there are so many of us living in the thin place, the liminal space, the in-between of it all; the questions are good, the uncertainty makes sense, and the reconsiderations are essential regardless of where you land in the end.
The second reason that urges me forward is one that’s more personal, more tangible. I’m a part of a church that I love in so many ways and also disagree with in so many ways, which is a bit of a quandary, right? How do I stay? How do I go? As is true in almost all parts of life if we’re willing to be honest with ourselves, there’s a third way. Binary thinking is often lazy and bypasses the process that leads to all the good stuff that comes from critical thinking. In my relationship with the Catholic Church, I see my three main options as: leave; stay, knowing my silent presence is my stamp of approval; stay and be a voice for change.
For now, option three is the one that feels right for me, and though my voice may not reach very far, this is a place I can share it.
If you feel like sharing in the comments, I’d love to know: what’s one of the gray, in-between areas you’re living in right now?
Worth It
I present to you the “Worth It” section, where I’ll share links to a few pieces of random goodness that have been worth my time and energy recently. I love when other people share their little treasure-finds, so I’ll do the same!
These granola bars have been a hit at my house lately! The recipe, from Eden Grinshpan, has lots of protein and all the good crunchy things. It’s sweetened by some maple syrup, and uses lots of my pantry staples. They’re perfect for a quick breakfast, to send in a lunchbox, or as my family does with most baked goods, to leave in a pan on the counter and know that within 47 minutes all that will be left is a pile of crumbs and the tears of the kid who wasn’t home from practice when they came out of the oven. (The recipe is in the caption of the linked video.)
Mary Van Geffen — parenting coach for “Moms of Spicy Ones” — is one of my favorite instagram follows. I’ve taken one of her online classes, and love learning from her fun, fantastically practical, and quirky approach! She’s really active in Stories and gives some amazing “scripts” to use in tricky situations with your kids, partner, extended family, and all manner of over-steppers as it relates to
If you, like me, love to cook and eat, The Splendid Table is a fantastic podcast to turn on when you need some comfort listening. It’s light, it’s fun, it sparks creativity, Francis Lam is a delightful host, and the variety is wonderful — I can always find an episode topic that piques my interest on a given day, from The Power of Smell, to French Home Cooking, to Summer Parties. When my brain needs a break from the state of…itself…I love to click play on The Splendid Table.
Molly, I can't tell you how much it feels like your writing is often spoken directly to me. I feel all these things you've just written about in my own tribe of Christianity. I've dipped my toes in other places, but the Holy Spirit keeps pulling me back in, not because it is the "right" place to be or because I'm supposed to agree with everything or everyone. I have come to realize I'm being pulled and pushed back here because it is the right place for my voice. A voice, that because it's female is not allowed in all places of worship in my tribe (yet) . . . I've pushed back against God about this, asking Him how can I stay, what is this teaching my own daughter? The answer . . . "I love her more than you do, trust me."
The changes and growth have been subtle and not at all at the pace I desire, but when I truly assess where my church family was 7 years ago and where we are now, I see the work of the Spirit. Moving us forward. Uniting us, not by erasing our differences but by teaching us to embrace them. I see how the Lord is using my voice, and I am confident He is using yours too. Keep it up Molly, the Lord is using you for His purposes exactly where He has put you.
You are an amazing writer Molly!